Weight Loss Journey: Food Addiction and Obsession

addiction - noun
the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.
"he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction"
synonyms: dependency, dependence, habit, problem

This was a facebook thing but I thought it was so fitting.

I think I have always been a food addict.  Always thinking about what I could be eating.  Thinking about Lunch as I am finishing Breakfast.  Hiding snacks in my bedroom.  Hiding the evidence of what I had eaten.  It's a shameful thing.  I did my best to hide it in my teens and 20s but it was obvious I was gaining weight.

"A food addiction or eating addiction is a behavioral addiction that is characterized by the compulsive consumption of palatable (i.e., high fat and high sugar) foods – the types of food which markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals – despite adverse consequences."

The thing about food addiction is that you can't live without it.  You can't just stay away from food.  It is essential to your survival.  Alcoholics can avoid alcohol, and situations involving it.  Food addicts can avoid restaurants but you have to eat.  And in my family, food seems to always be the way we get together.  Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, it doesn't matter, we are having a meal.  My first question is always, what are we having and what can I bring.

Have you ever sat down to watch a movie or tv with a bag of chips or cookies and suddenly realized that you have eaten the entire bag?  That was me all the time.  And in College, I had an hour break between work and class.  I would always spend that hour eating a bag of fast food while studying or finishing homework,.  I was spending $10 to $20 a day on fast food.  That habit continued into adulthood.

When I had Gastric Bypass in 2003, I thought I had broken that cycle.  I was determined that this physical change I had made in my body would cure my mental illness.  But, it was only a matter of time before my addiction took over again.  18 months ago, I was back in the cycle pretty hard.  Buying breakfast and lunch everyday.  Spending every extra cent on snacks and junk food.  I was drinking liters of Diet Coke daily.  I thought everything was great, but don't all addicts?

When I finally decided I had to change my life, it was my head that changed.  I had been to therapy, read every bit of research I could, tried every diet, and every pill.  Nothing worked until my brain changed.  I've dropped 105 lbs in the last 15 months.  But now my addiction has switched to a Diet Obsession.

obsession - noun
1. the state of being obsessed with someone or something.
"she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession"
2. an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.
plural noun: obsessions
"he was in the grip of an obsession he was powerless to resist"
synonyms: fixation, passion, mania, compulsion, preoccupation

I count every calorie of everything that goes into my mouth.  I log it on MyFitnessPal and use my FitBit to keep track of my calories burned vs my calories ingested.  I watch YouTube videos on diets, weight lifting and calorie counting.  I plan my meals out a week in advance and eat the same exact thing for Breakfast, Lunch and Post-Workout, every day of the work week.  It's a numbers game and it's driving me insane.

Typical Dinner in my house includes a baked potato with a little cheese, chicken breast and green beans, along with a glass of V8 juice.

Since October 1st, nearly 6 months, I have only dropped 10 lbs.  I've been on this giant plateau where I have tried so many changes.  I've dropped my calories, upped my workouts, used some supplements and now I have added in a protein shake.  I am burning 3500 calories and ingesting about 2000.  This leaves me a 1500 calorie deficit and over a week, that equals a 10500 calorie deficit.  A pound is equal to 3500 calories, therefore, I should be losing around 3 lbs a week.  So what the heck is the problem here?

Two typical days for me.  Around 5000 steps, 4000 calories burned and a work out tracked.

I go to a nutritionist on Thursday this week but in the mean time, I am completely freaking out over this stuff.  Constantly talking about it with my husband and trying to do research on what I am doing wrong.  Is it a thyroid issue?  Have I done metabolic damage to myself?  Am I destined to be this weight?  Am I gaining muscle instead?  It is on my mind at all times and has seriously become an obsession/addiction.  Maybe I will never recover from this.