Weight Loss Journey: Food Addiction and Obsession

addiction - noun
the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.
"he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction"
synonyms: dependency, dependence, habit, problem

This was a facebook thing but I thought it was so fitting.

I think I have always been a food addict.  Always thinking about what I could be eating.  Thinking about Lunch as I am finishing Breakfast.  Hiding snacks in my bedroom.  Hiding the evidence of what I had eaten.  It's a shameful thing.  I did my best to hide it in my teens and 20s but it was obvious I was gaining weight.

"A food addiction or eating addiction is a behavioral addiction that is characterized by the compulsive consumption of palatable (i.e., high fat and high sugar) foods – the types of food which markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals – despite adverse consequences."

The thing about food addiction is that you can't live without it.  You can't just stay away from food.  It is essential to your survival.  Alcoholics can avoid alcohol, and situations involving it.  Food addicts can avoid restaurants but you have to eat.  And in my family, food seems to always be the way we get together.  Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, it doesn't matter, we are having a meal.  My first question is always, what are we having and what can I bring.

Have you ever sat down to watch a movie or tv with a bag of chips or cookies and suddenly realized that you have eaten the entire bag?  That was me all the time.  And in College, I had an hour break between work and class.  I would always spend that hour eating a bag of fast food while studying or finishing homework,.  I was spending $10 to $20 a day on fast food.  That habit continued into adulthood.

When I had Gastric Bypass in 2003, I thought I had broken that cycle.  I was determined that this physical change I had made in my body would cure my mental illness.  But, it was only a matter of time before my addiction took over again.  18 months ago, I was back in the cycle pretty hard.  Buying breakfast and lunch everyday.  Spending every extra cent on snacks and junk food.  I was drinking liters of Diet Coke daily.  I thought everything was great, but don't all addicts?

When I finally decided I had to change my life, it was my head that changed.  I had been to therapy, read every bit of research I could, tried every diet, and every pill.  Nothing worked until my brain changed.  I've dropped 105 lbs in the last 15 months.  But now my addiction has switched to a Diet Obsession.

obsession - noun
1. the state of being obsessed with someone or something.
"she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession"
2. an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.
plural noun: obsessions
"he was in the grip of an obsession he was powerless to resist"
synonyms: fixation, passion, mania, compulsion, preoccupation

I count every calorie of everything that goes into my mouth.  I log it on MyFitnessPal and use my FitBit to keep track of my calories burned vs my calories ingested.  I watch YouTube videos on diets, weight lifting and calorie counting.  I plan my meals out a week in advance and eat the same exact thing for Breakfast, Lunch and Post-Workout, every day of the work week.  It's a numbers game and it's driving me insane.

Typical Dinner in my house includes a baked potato with a little cheese, chicken breast and green beans, along with a glass of V8 juice.

Since October 1st, nearly 6 months, I have only dropped 10 lbs.  I've been on this giant plateau where I have tried so many changes.  I've dropped my calories, upped my workouts, used some supplements and now I have added in a protein shake.  I am burning 3500 calories and ingesting about 2000.  This leaves me a 1500 calorie deficit and over a week, that equals a 10500 calorie deficit.  A pound is equal to 3500 calories, therefore, I should be losing around 3 lbs a week.  So what the heck is the problem here?

Two typical days for me.  Around 5000 steps, 4000 calories burned and a work out tracked.

I go to a nutritionist on Thursday this week but in the mean time, I am completely freaking out over this stuff.  Constantly talking about it with my husband and trying to do research on what I am doing wrong.  Is it a thyroid issue?  Have I done metabolic damage to myself?  Am I destined to be this weight?  Am I gaining muscle instead?  It is on my mind at all times and has seriously become an obsession/addiction.  Maybe I will never recover from this.

Weight Loss Journey: How My Gym Make Me Feel...

I hear a lot of flack about Planet Fitness not being a "real" gym.  I call bullshit.  Planet Fitness has everything a regular gym has, plus more.  I don't share a lot about my gym experience.  It's not overly exciting.  I go 3-5 days a week.  If you follow me on Instagram, you see photos from most of my workouts.  There are even days where I go twice.  I mostly keep to myself, wearing ear buds and doing my own thing.  Occasionally I have someone talk to me.  I wave to the familiar people.  In fact, I have met some really great people.

I have had only two bad experiences.  The first, a younger woman asked me not to breath so hard on the elliptical.  I apologized and said I thought that was the point of working out but maybe I had it wrong.  Then, a few days ago, an older woman came up to me and told me if I worked a bit harder, the weight would just fall off.  After I informed her I had already lost 100 lbs in 14 months, she said it again and followed it up with, "Just a friendly tip".  I just walked away from her.  I mentioned this experience when talking to a fellow gym member and he was astounded.  He noted that I work really hard and my paces and RPMs are even higher than his own.

But, for those two bad experiences, I have had at least 20 great ones.  I could start with the employees.  Misty at the front counter greets me with a smile EVERY DAY.  She knows my name, says hello and offers me tips and advice, even sometimes in a British accent.  Aspen, the trainer, is also really nice.  Even though I have never taken any of his classes, he goes out of his way to say hello and answer any questions I have.  Andrew, another employee has seen me come in twice a day at times and is always there with a hello and a goodbye.

Out on the floor, I see some of the same people, day in and day out.  There is Chad who started a conversation with me about an invention and now comes by if I am on a machine just to say hello.  We had a conversation a few days ago about this very blog.  Then there is Jake who never misses a chance to smile and give me a fist bump of encouragement.  And Bob, an older man, who approached me because he wanted to know how I got started and how he could help his daughter who is overweight and has diabetes.  Another person I see nearly daily, I don't know her name, but I call her Walker Lady.  We have talked a few times.  She waits for the bus and wishes me a good day as I leave.  She trucks on her walker through the gym, using the treadmill, stationary bike and weight machines.  She's amazing.

My most interesting conversations happen in the locker room.  There are a few women who I see as I am coming in and a few I see as I am heading out.  There is Rosie who has been coming to the gym longer than I have.  Her husband has diabetes and she comes to the gym to get away.  Another woman who's doctor warned her that her cholesterol was high and she needed to start working out.  She is thin and has always been active.  She didn't understand.  I was late back to work one day because we had such a long conversation.

I write this blog because I want you, reading this, to know that the gym isn't as scary as it seems.  It's become my home away from work, my break in my day and my sanctuary.  If you have a Planet Fitness near you, check them out.  Also, don't stick to one part of the gym.  Do more than what you know or may be easy.  At Planet Fitness, all the machines have pictures and instructions on how to use them.  Give them a shot.  If you already go to a gym, how does your gym make you feel?

Quiet Book for Nephew #2

 If you have been reading this blog since the beginning, you may remember the Quiet Book (or sometimes called Busy Book) I made for Logan, Nephew #1.  I gave it to him for his 2nd Birthday so I knew I had to do the same for Nephew #2, Landon.  I have roughly 16 months until I have to have my final one done for Nephew #3, Leo.

Here is the cover of Landon's book.  I used denim, felt, bias tape a button and an elastic hair tie.  You can see a snarl on the bottom.  I was having problems with the tension in my machine and actually broke the bobbin.  Next, the screw broke that holds the presser foot.  It was a hot mess, to say the least.  His name is made of felt that I fabric glued.  I sewed a hair tie to the back and then used a button to secure it shut.

Page #1 is a clock page.  The hands can move and are made of plastic that i colored with a black sharpie.  The face is felt with fabric paint.  The background is meant to represent night and day.  It was the first page I put together and one of my favorites.

This is the first of 3 two-page spreads.When Landon was younger, he used to throw socks everywhere.  So, when I saw this idea online I knew I had to try.  I redid this page a few times.  I screwed up the door and it was trial and error with the socks.  I needed a strong enough magnet but thin enough to not make the page bulky.  There are three sock cut outs in each pattern.  One to glue to the page with a strip magnet underneath and the other two get sewn together with a small strong magnet I got at Harbor Freight.  He can put them in the dryer or the basket or keep them on the magnetic page.

Nest is a puzzle kite.  Nothing too extreme.  However, I learned from Logan's book that all parts should be attached to the book somehow.  Each piece has a string of rik rak sewn to it then they are sewn to the page under the bow.  The puzzle pieces are felt and there is a small piece of velcro on the back of each.  There is a full kite shape underneath that the velcro sticks to.

I am not overly thrilled with this page but I do love the kid in the puddle.  He is made from felt, hand stitched and so cute.  This should help him learn his colors and how to spell them.

This is the counting page.  I used the same fabric as Logan's counting page in his book.  It was fabric my mom gave me that she had for years.  I simply strung beads and buttons on ribbon, glued felt numbers and sewed the ribbon to the page.

This is the girliest page in the book.  It should help him learn how to use buttons.  Each flower has a slit in it with rik rak glued to it.

This pizza page should also help him with counting.  Plus, who doesn't love pizza?  I made sure the pieces were attached to the book but they have since been ripped out by him so I will have to figure something better out.  The pizza is made of felt and glued together.

The shapes and textures on this page are really cute.  I got the textured felt on clearance at Wal-Mart for 10 cents a sheet.

I call this final page the Puppy Page.  It will help him learn to use a slide closure.  It's so cute and was really easy.  The dog is made of felt and the spots are glued on.  I got the dog collar at the dollar store.  

All in all I love the book.  It took many hours and a lot of supplies but my nephews are worth every pin prick.

Weight Loss Journey: 2015 - The Year of Me

I hope you all had a great Christmas.  This past month, I have taken a bit of a break from blogging.  Christmas time is always very hectic for us.  Between multiple family, work and friend get-togethers, we still had to work and keep the house up.  Adulting is hard.

My oldest nephew Logan.  One of the rare photos that isn't blurred.  Kids move fast.

I have been bouncing between 405 and 415 for more than a month.  It seems my body is comfortable at this weight and activity level.  I am fine with that.  I can buy clothes at a store, not just online.  I am really active and flexible.  I am happy, healthy and hopeful.  However, I would like to lose 50 to 100 more pounds.  But I have to remember the number on the scale means nothing if I am miserable.

I have always lived my life trying to do as much as I can for others.  My family, my husband, my friends.  But 2015 was the year of Me.  It was the year I came out of my depression and started enjoying life again.  I didn't even know how depressed I was.  2015 wasn't all about my weight loss.  100 lbs is no small feat, but the year was also about self awareness, self love and self confidence.  In short, I feel incredible.

Me and my nephew Landon, using my selfie stick

I have met so many people in the last year that have lifted me up and supported me.  I have made friends locally and across the US in what I call my "Fat Chat".  I have also had family and friends send me messages and tell me personally how great I am doing.  It makes me incredibly proud of myself.  My blog has gotten so many more followers and I am thankful for each and every person who reads this.  Recently my blog was shared on a weight loss website, across Facebook and Twitter.  It's amazing.  I hope I inspire some of you to get healthier.  I know I am inspired by you all.

This is Christmas 2014 and Christmas 2015.

I am not one for New Years resolutions so I am just going to state a few things for 2016:
#1-I want to continue eating healthy and tracking my calories.
#2-I want to continue my exercise habits by working out at least 3 days a week.
#3-I want to strengthen my relationship with Roger.
#4-I want to continue to save money for our futures.
#5-I want to be a better friend by making more time to visit people.
#6-More craft and food blogs, less weight loss blogs.

What are your hopes for 2016?  Will you be joining me on my journey?

Weight Loss Journey: The Good, the Bad and the Gain

I have been mulling over this blog for a week now.  In fact, I wasn't going to write about it at all.  Just ignore it and maybe it will go away.  But that is how I got to be over 500 lbs in the first place.  And after talking to my sister, she convinced me that this blog needs to be truthful and genuine.  She is absolutely right.  So I must say that I have gained back some weight.  About 7 pounds actually.  Here is where I could list my excuses, but for me, they are not excuses, they are mistakes.  And mistakes can be corrected and learned from.

Two weeks ago I opened an email with the subject line "Invoice and Receipt for Payment".  Thinking nothing of it I downloaded the contents.  Mistake #1.  The email turned out to be a Ransomware Virus that corrupted my computer along with my work and personal flash drives that were plugged in.  I lost every document and photo on all three devices.  I had a friend come over to see if he could save anything but he wasn't able to.  He had to wipe my computer and reload windows.  Thank goodness that it didn't touch anything in my accounting program.

I spent the next 2 days reloading all my programs.  I was so involved in it that I skipped the gym.  Mistake #2.  Instead of taking my lunch break and going to the gym to relieve some stress, I sat at my desk and ate junk.  I went to the gas station a few doors down and got chips, candy and soda.  Mistake #3.  This was an old behavior that I thought I was over but those old habits die hard.  Have I mentioned I don't handle stress very well?

I worked 17 hours overtime in those 2 weeks.  My "at home" meals suffered too. Mistake #4.  I didn't plan ahead and waited way too long to eat some days.  This meant that I didn't make dinner most nights and either ate out or I threw something together.  I had pizza, Chinese, fast food and other comfort food.  I also didn't log my food consistently.  Eating like crap and being stressed about work made me feel like crap.  That in turn made me not want to do anything.  In short, I was lazy and lackadaisical.

On Thanksgiving, I wrapped the Christmas presents while I watched the Macy's parade.  We went to a friend's house for dinner and had a wonderful time.  There was no stress.  By Saturday, I had pulled myself out of my funk.  I took a trip alone to St. Helens, OR and finished my Christmas shopping.  Then, after I got home, Roger and I went to Fred Meyer to shop for boots.  I ended up getting them at Payless.  I got two pair for a little over $50.  I weighed myself again this morning, December 1st, and I was back to 410.  Which means I am 7 lbs from my 100 lb goal.  While this is a set back, it's not going to stop me.

Weight Loss Journey: My 10 Tips For Weight Loss

I have been at this for almost a year now and have had great personal success.  I can't even complain.  It has been relatively easy for me to make these changes.  Yes, there have been struggles and set backs but I have never let it completely take me down.  In no way have I or my journey been perfect.  I just want to encourage people while I am changing my life.

I have had many people ask me for help and want me to tell them how they too can be successful.  I honestly can't give advice.  There is no magic formula, no pill, shake, meal plan or hypnosis that will work.  You can want to lose weight, and try, but if you are not in it wholeheartedly, you won't succeed.  Losing weight is basically a math problem.  You have to burn more calories than you intake.

Here is what I did:
#1 - Made a mental change.  A switch flipped in my head.  Your brain, stomach and heart all have to agree on this change.  They may fight at times but as long as you stay strong, they will all come together.

#2 - Deleted soda and all other sweet drinks from my life.  I was drinking about a liter of Diet Coke per day, along with at least 1 coffee drink.  A Venti quad shot white chocolate peppermint mocha has 660 calories.  Not to mention the amount of sugar and fat.  While I haven't given up coffee completely, I have changed the way I drink it.  The same goes for soda.  I still have the occasional Diet Coke.  But I limit it to one.

#3 - Kept a food journal.  I use MyFitnessPal to track everything I eat.  You can customize your settings or it can help you find ones right for you.  It has an extensive library of foods.  You can even input recipes and exercise.  I keep track of EVERYTHING that I eat.  You can't think,"Oh, it's just a mini-snickers or a small bag of chips".  It all counts.

#4 - Stopped eating fast food.  There is an occasional trip thru the drive thru but mostly I avoid it all together.  There are too many temptations and hidden calories.

#5 - Also dropped 90% of the dairy and carbs from my diet.  I will still eat small amounts of each but mostly, they are both out of my life.  Both made me feel sluggish and lethargic.  If you feel like that a lot, take a look at your plate.

#6 - Meal Prep.  I think meal prep is probably the most important part of this.  I have talked about it a few times.  Take a few moments on the weekend, sit down and make your weekly menu.  Plan breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks.  Then go get groceries.  Prep your meats and your veggies when you get home.  If your food is readily available, you will be less tempted to stray from your plan.

#7 - I took it easy on myself.  Not every day is perfect.  You won't eat great all the time but that doesn't mean you ruined it.  I've heard the analogy that if you got a flat tire, you wouldn't slash the other three.  You fix the tire and get back on the road.  I took it one step at a time.  Got my food schedule down and then added exercise, then personal reflection.  Don't jump in the pool with your clothes on.  Take it easy.

#8 - I found support.  Not only are all my friends and family on Facebook and huge support system but I have joined some chat groups and websites where there are people on the same journey as me.  We can commiserate and cheer each other on from opposite sides of the oceans.

#9 - Took my mental temperature.  Throughout this entire process, I have been checking in with myself, mentally.  As you are changing your outward appearance, you inner self is also changing.  You have to adjust to your clothes fitting differently, your self image changing and your self esteem changing.  I hated looking at myself in the mirror and taking photos before.  I now love it.  Although I am not to my goal weight yet, I have such a different view of my body as a whole.  I am healthier than I have been since my teens.

#10 - I got up and got out.  After I got my food in check, I started moving.  At first, I just started walking.  I could only go a few minutes without stopping.  Now, I can do 10 straight minutes without having to stop, due to the pain in my foot.  I am far stronger that I was.

I hope some of these tips helped.  No every person loses weight the same so what works for me, may not work for you.  Tread your own weight loss path.  But never give up.

Weight Loss Journey: Struggling

Ugh!  I have written and rewritten this blog several times over the last month.  A few things have happened this month and I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about them.  Usually my blog is all about positivity and encouragement.  Let me tell you, this month, it has not been so easy.  I have been really struggling.  No only with my weight loss but with my emotions and my self control.  I again chose not to weigh myself until November 1st.  So, at the time I am writing this part, I have not weighed in.

I had a falling out with a friend of 13 years.  I think I finally just opened my eyes and listened to everyone who was telling me he was a bad person to be around.  I saw through the lies and decided I didn't need his negativity anymore.  I can't save him from himself.  There was no fight or screaming match, I just stopped talking to him and blocked him on all social media.  I did make a new friend through him that I am happy is a part of my life now.  A positive, uplifting person with no agenda.

Early in October I was working a lot on Fabric Pumpkins for my sister to sell for me at her craft fairs.  We made 75 total and they are now all gone.  (I did keep 2 for myself).  The extra time I needed for them took away from me making dinner every night and I got off track a bit.  My own fault for not planning accordingly.  In fact one night I was up for 26 hours and ate an entire pizza to myself.  Not one of my proudest moments.

On the 10th, I got a new tattoo.  I actually got my star covered with a cow.  If you have known me for a while, you know cows are my favorite animal.  Well, while it was healing, I didn't wear my FitBit because that's the wrist I wear it on.  I think that really hindered me.  It allowed me to do things without thinking and assume that I had burned more calories than I had.

The day after we went to a party.  It was a reunion of sorts for our family owned shop.  It was filled with faces that I hadn't seen in so long and it was such a great time.  My only mistake was not sitting down all night.  I am not used to standing so much and I really paid for it the next day.  Not only was I hungover, but my knees and ankles hurt so badly.  We went to the World of Speed Museum in Portland with out Car Club.  I'm afraid I was no fun.  I had to keep sitting and really felt like crap.

Then there was an entire week where I was so tired.  We had "fend for yourself" dinners 3 nights that week.  I also went to the store a few times and bought candy bars and other snacks.  Found out a few days later that it was PMS which strangely made me feel better.  I also only went to the gym twice that week.  I felt like I was eating like crap and I was spiraling.  I did grab the reins and reeled it in by the end of the month so I am anxious to see where my loss is.

The results:  So I didn't lose any weight this month.  Well, actually 0.2 lbs.  While I am disappointed in myself, I really can't rely fully on the scale.  I have come so far in the last 10 1/2 months.  I did take my measurements this month.  I lost 2 inches off my stomach, 2 inches off my arms, 1 inch off my bust and 3 inches off my thighs.  So, while I need to buckle down to meet my 100 lb goal by December 9th, I am happy with my changes.